Hi I a 13 year old girl and I would write a few opinions on this piece, I am as you please. It is not a vampire history of the genre mystery, fantasy and romance, which I know is a lot of genres. Thanks for your help xMein house was at the very end of the road Lerman, it is a small road with a dead end at the end he was, there were some children playing hop scotch on the sidewalk. I drove my VW Beetle to the drive way, I loved my car it was my own personal Raum.Mein house was one of those new, modern houses with many windows and en-suite bathroom in each room, the door was entirely made of glass and one could see down the hall to the kitchen, my mom made dinner. I limped the porch and opened the door. “Hey sweetness, you have a good day?” Mom called me “It was al right, I think.” Okay, so it was better than okay, I had an appointment with Zach but I was not telling her dass.Ich limped into the kitchen, it was bright yellow Mom said, it is a warm color that you feel happy, even if you do sad. Mom was an artist, and you could tell by her, she had painted over most of the clothes and he gave screens scattered around the house some of them finished some of them were only half done. I remember when I was younger I would sit for her and she’d had to do portraits of me, they do not paint me more now but painted them, what their customers demand. It could be a large painting of the sea will, but nobody wanted a painting of about sixteen years old child. Mom has to make not only art, paint, every night would do they make the meal a masterpiece such as celebrity chefs would. If we as asparagus, they would accumulate in a small tower and glue them together with potato puree or something. She saw me limping and was immediately worried. “Silver, what happened to your leg?” Are you hurt? When did that happen? How could this happen? “I was a hundred questions that have been taken as the Spanish Inquisition.” I and my leg hurts were, no, I’m okay now, while P. E fifth period. “I answered all their questions by mechanical means.” Come and sit down. “She grabbed me by the elbow and led me to the kitchen table in mahogany, which was filled with colors. “Mom, I’m really okay.” “Are you sure?” Let me look. “” Mom, the nurse put a bandage on it, I’m okay. “She looked a little unsure, but she left me go upstairs to my room. My room was white, very white. It was with white furniture, a white chest, a white four-poster bed and a white desk filled. The balcony doors were opened and my little sister Grace was on the balcony. “Hey what’s up?” “Nothing, back only to the garden. Do you think it is big enough for a pool?” Grace’s room was at the front of the house, so they often came here to search the back garden. “I do not know why” “I want one.” Did she really sounded einfach.Sie spoiled, she was fourteen, and completely different from me, I was blond, she was brunette. It was different personality, I would also figure everything to her, she had all the latest clothes and gadgets. Now they wanted a pool. “Well, I guess you have to ask mom and dad.” “I already did, Mom said that she wanted, had a pool since she was little and now she could get. She’s gonna talk to Papa about it. “I went to they were standing.” What about your leg? “” I fell in PE “” God, I bet that was embarrassing. “” Yes it was, but it gave me an appointment . ‘I teased her, she loved gossip. Her face lit up. “He who spill? Come.” “Nobody you know, I get, I’m going to be ready later with Melanie.” “Where?” The library? “” Ha, ha, I’m laughing so hard my sides are splitting. “Grace gloomily at me then turned on his heel and left the Raum.Ich was still wearing my pants torn and my hair was still a mess, so I for one quick shower them on some jeans and a T-Shirt was drawn. I saw my reflection in the bathroom mirror, I looked better than I had before, my hair was dry and was naturally curly. I decided to straighten it for Friday. “Mom, I’m going out.” I said, running down the stairs. “Can not you stay for dinner?” “I’m going to get something there.” I ran out the door before they I would further question.
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Pretty good for 13!!! Keep writing
…But fix this line: “Okay so it was better than okay” its redundant and doesnt sound good.
This is real good for your age.
Okay, general stuff – I’m assuming you want criticism so you can make it even better!
Good Points
- very descriptive
- good character building
- I can see that you really enjoyed writing this
- keeps you waiting to find out what’s happening – the limping, for example; you don’t find out the reason until later on, which is good.
Possible Improvements
- punctuation and grammar. Generally okay, but you seem to have an on/off relationship with commas. Lots of them in one place, and then hardly any for four sentences…
- try to keep continuity – for example, why are your trousers and hair messed up? Surely if you fell in PE, you would be wearing something different by now. Also, you limp at the beggining and then you run down the stairs LOL
- Character personalities. Basically, there is something called a Mary Sue, which is a character in a book which is perfect/better than anyone else/seems to have no pitfalls/gets on with everyone, you know the type. So try not to make all of your characters squeaky clean – you’ve made a good start on Grace, she is a little spoilt.
- Read your dialogue aloud and see if it sounds right – for example, if you were to say mom I’m going out, wouldn’t you usually say it with a pause after Mom so: “Mom, I’m going out.” Would be more real.
All in all, WELL DONE! LOL
I liked it. I wanted to know what happened next, and it had just the right amount of description which is really good
Another good thing is that it kept me reading, and I didn’t just skip a few lines because I was bored; I read everything. I like that there’s a lot of conversation, because that keeps readers reading 
You really only need to improve a bit on grammar but it’s nothing major and you have some punctuation mistakes. For example:
Mom shouted to me
Better: Mom shouted at me.
“It was al right I guess.”
“It was alright, I guess.”
I was hit by a hundred questions it was like the Spanish inquisition.
I was hit by a hundred questions; it was like the Spanish inquisition.
“I don’t know why?”
“I don’t know, why?”
“I want one.” She said simply.
“I want one,” she said/stated simply.
You get the idea
I think it’s a really good story, and I wish you luck!
Hope I helped